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Ask Me His Name: Learning to live and laugh again after the loss of my baby

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As a mummy myself it has made me look even closer to what I have and cuddle them that little bit tighter. Ultimately this is a personal story and others who lose a child will perhaps deal with their experiences in a different way so this isn’t a ‘How to deal with grief’ book. So giving women that confidence and pointing them in the right direction to talk to somebody who knows how they’re feeling, is incredibly important. The overall story is truest devastating, with an insight into the emotions and mental health that comes with losing a child. I followed Elle on Instagram and had learnt about her son Teddy and his death only a few days after his birth through her photos and stories, shared with bravery and love.

After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. And that may sound really silly, as I know the name is ‘Mother’: If you give birth to a child you are that child’s mother regardless of whether that child is here or not. I’ve followed Elle’s story long before even thinking about starting this account and I often think about this story whilst at work with other parents and babies within the NICU. I really admired her descriptions of self care in the face of trauma and how slowing down and focusing on yourself and your pain is healthy and necessary.People were saying ’Oh God, no one knows what to say to me’ but none of us were doing anything to change the way that conversation was happening. I really appreciate how Elle challenges our definition of motherhood and points out that many mothers continue on in the journey without their precious little ones - empty arms, nothing to show for their motherhood.

But I am so grateful for the conversations this book starts- we can talk about infant loss, because sadly it happens too often and needs to be confronted.Experiencing secondary infertility after the death of her son in 2016, Elle went on a journey of questions, drugs, tests, loss, frustration and three rounds of IVF. You made it sound like it was the end of the world for you, and if that's the case, what does that mean for me?

I am a health visitor and as a team we are looking at ways we can support our bereaved parents after a loss. We all know that’s the most important thing in life … if we can bond over floor tiles, we can do anything! Elle Wright had an admittedly easy pregnancy - her scans went well, she and her baby were healthy throughout, and in May 2016, she and her husband welcomed their son, Teddy, into the world.

I’ve followed Elle’s story for the last few years after hearing her interview on Loose Women with Marina Fogle during baby loss awareness month. All sponsored and paid posts will always be clearly stated as such, but, as always, I only ever include brands, services and products that I absolutely love.

And when I turn and say ‘Actually 15 babies die every day in the UK’ they assume that includes miscarriage, and I’m like 'No that’s not to do with miscarriage, that’s just a baby that’s born after 33 weeks pregnancy, in the UK, that’s stillborn or died in the first two weeks of life. So I just say it to people, and sometimes I get them looking anywhere else but at me, and sometimes people are brilliant. Nobody had written a really honest account of what it feels like to go through that, and how do you start to think about the positive stuff again? Think about how you’re going to honour that baby in whatever way you want to, and how you’re going to carry on navigating life, and go back to being a normal human who can participate in life with everyone else, without shutting yourself off or becoming bitter, or not living your life to it’s full potential because of what’s happened to your family.

I hope to God that I never have to use what if learnt in this book either for myself or someone close to me. But the problem that we have in our culture and society, is that if somebody’s husband dies they’re a widow, and if somebody’s parents die they’re an orphan; whatever it is, if we have a word, we have a way to describe it. Three days after delivering him into the world, she sat with Teddy as he took his last breaths, and tucked him in for the final time. Part of what the book is about, is to educate as much as we can, so maybe down the line, I’m saving other people from having to go through those emotions.

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